I. Attract. Weird

I attract weird.jpg

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  I attract weird.  Weird and crazy to be exact.  People typically try to refute my claim to fame at first...saying that everyone's had strange scenarios with the opposite sex and I'm no exception.  A pissing contest of who's experienced weirder shit ensues.  To date, that is the one title I hold undefeated.

Tonight was no different.  Instead of spending my Saturday night home alone writing, I decided to practice socially acceptable anti-social behavior and headed to a coffee bar.  I camped out at a long table overlooking the parking lot across the street.  "Perfect," I thought to myself.  "I can physically see if some douchebag tries to steal my rental." Chances of that happening twice in one week are pretty much impossible, but my car karma is terrible.

A few moments later, I was nibbling on some overpriced cafe food and working on my laptop.  I spotted a figure next to me out of the corner of my eye.  My suitor was none other than the infamous "weird dude with the newsboy hat".  My friends and I gave him this name because we can't seem to remember his real one.  That, plus he's always wearing a newsboy hat trying to hit on someone.  His usual MO is to brag about the "projects" that he's working on.  Oddly enough, no one has ever seen a finished product (or any product for that matter) from him.  This wasn't the first time I've encountered him, and I'm sure it won't be my last.  Our conversation went a little something like this:

Weird dude: I noticed you from over there.  I wanted to let you know that I liked your style.

Me: How could you like my style?  I haven't done anything.

Weird dude: Well, I like how you looked.  Anyway, I put on a lot of shows.  I'm big down in DC.  I try to do the same thing up here, but you know people up here don't know how to do stuff.  They don't know about ambiance and proper planning.  I try to help them.  But it's so cliquish.

Me: (blank stare)

Weird dude: My name is *Hank by the way.  What's yours?

Me: It's Veronica (thought bubble: Damn, I thought his name was Sherman.  Doesn't matter.  Please go away).

Weird dude: What are you working on?

Me: I have a blog and I'm working on a manuscript.

Weird dude:  Oh you're a writer.  So am I.  I'm working on a few books right now, and I write songs.  I'm also a producer.  I'm getting ready to start my own television station.  I can have you do some hosting on there or something.  I can take you to the next level.  So I was wondering if I could get your number so you can come to one of my shows.

Me: Ummmm I have a boyfriend (thought bubble:  I said I would stop using that line and just say 'no'.  Dammit!)

Weird dude: Oh I wasn't asking you to be my woman.  That's something special - sacred.  You know you've got be a very special person to be my woman.   There's a difference between being my girlfriend and my woman, too.  Plenty have been my girlfriend.  Very few have been my woman. You know what I mean?

Me: I see (failed attempt at stifling a giggle)

Weird dude:  So can I get your number and have you come to one of my shows?

Me: I don't give my number out.

Weird dude: Oh girl (walks away)

If only we could be compensated for those precious life moments that we'll never get back.  Now, I totally understand that I could have told him "buzz off" from the very beginning.  But I try (sometimes to my own detriment) to be nice.  I'm sure it's a result of all of that Catholic guilt I acquired during my formative years.  The bright side is that I get to share all of this weirdness with you!

What is the strangest pick up you've experienced?  Drop me a line in the comments section below :-)

The Bluest Eye

Picture from artfromtheheart.org

Picture from artfromtheheart.org

A few years ago, my friend *Kim started dating a guy.  We shall call him *Albert.  The relationship between them started out wonderfully.  After leaving their first date, she had the misfortune of getting into a car accident.  She was fine.  Her car...not so much.  Albert emerged from the vehicle behind her securing his role as knight in shining armor.  He stayed with her, and subsequently met her mother and aunt that night.

Albert followed up his chivalrous act by offering to take my friend to work while her car was out of commission.  He said he believed "it was what a man was supposed to do." Now Albert had a couple of quirks.  For one, his hair was dyed blonde and he wore blue contacts.  Think Sisqo with unnaturally blue eyes.  Yuuuuuppp, it was that bad.  We could not figure out for the life of us why a grown black man would embrace such ridiculousness.   Nevertheless, Albert had earned himself some brownie points so we were willing to overlook his blatant idolatry of the Aryan race (our first mistake). 

One night after a few weeks of dating, Albert picked Kim up to take her to a movie of his choosing.  They arrived at the theater.  He ordered their tickets at the box office window then swiftly moved to the side leaving my friend and the ticket clerk in an awkward stand-off. Apparently chivalry has an expiration date. Kim glared at him.  He donned a confused expression as she paid for the tickets and mentally threw daggers at his blue contacts. 

Kim waited until he dropped her off to chew him out.  His excuse?  He had previously stated that he didn't get paid that week and "assumed" that she was taking care of the date (even though he asked her out and picked the movie).  Albert felt so bad that he borrowed money from his mother the next day and paid Kim back...for one ticket. Their relationship ended abruptly. To this day, we both chuckle at any mention of "the bluest eye".

Speaking of Online Dating...

All of this talk sparked my interest in it again.  While I heard stories about a friend of a friend who met her soulmate online, my personal experiences left much to be desired.   Recently I thought about trying Christian Mingle, but I figured with my luck I'd probably end up on a date with a cult leader.   So far the shenanigans have been minimal.  However, that doesn't mean they're non-existent.  For your reading enjoyment I present these lovely online oddities: