Picture from datingasociopath.com <<< love the name of that site btw.
Many words leave a beautiful ringing sound in my ear, and closure is one of them. Having the ability to shut the door to your past without questions or regret is a wonderful feeling. Releasing yourself from the nagging questions like, “what if” and “if only”, is powerful. Unfortunately, this sensation isn’t always instantaneous.
One of two things must occur in order for closure to be achieved. The first being the person who has the “answers” to those nagging questions must come forward and express their thoughts and feelings. This is helpful because it gives us a better understanding of why certain events occurred. An added bonus is that their disclosure might reveal that they weren’t fit to be in our lives anyway. Careful with this one though. There are a couple of variables to consider.
The first is that their revelation might lead to more pain than the initial heartbreak itself. I once had a guy come to me soon after our split and tell me, “the ring is on its way” referring to his decision to marry someone else. I was absolutely crushed and devastated. It took me months to recuperate. That phrase lingered, taunting me at times. Eventually I was able to recover, but I probably would have been better off without hearing it.
Another point to consider is that the other person has to be willing to have an open dialog with you. If he or she is unwilling to talk, it is less likely that you will achieve closure in this manner. Keep in mind that there could be several reasons why they are reluctant to reach out. They might not be ready to face you. They could be at peace with the situation. Or they flat out don’t want to talk to you. Regardless of the reason, be prepared to face rejection if you are looking for a resolution at the hands of someone else.
Should you not receive gratification from your ex, seek other alternatives for overcoming the pain of your past relationship. Carve out time to spend with someone to explore how you are feeling. You want to choose carefully. The person should be emotionally well-balanced. Friends and family members are typically our first choice. However, speaking with someone who isn’t so close to the situation can also be helpful. Recently I talked to a woman who knows me, but wasn’t familiar with the intimate details of my past relationship. She was able to give me unbiased feedback from an outsider’s perspective which prompted me to make some difficult decisions. Therapists are another great resource that can provide this level of support.
On a more positive note, hashing out unresolved issues with an ex can be liberating. Especially if the situation has been hard to recover from or left a huge question mark dangling over your head. A sense of release takes over, encouraging you to move forward. Take this feeling and run with it. Freeing yourself from the prison of your own mind relieves stress from so many different areas of your life. In order to move on to the next chapter, you must finish the last.
