WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...
PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
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I took in in jest; however, I couldn't let them get off that easy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Man Rules - A Woman's Rebuttal.
1. You’re not? Then why do you have such an exceptionally large head?
2. The problem is not the toilet seat per se (except when I fall in). The bigger issue is your lack of aim. I’ll believe your tales or omnipotent navigational skills when you can pee inside of the toilet Mr. Columbus.
3. No, it’s Battleship. Choose your next move wisely…
4. Unfortunately, we can only reach a resolution when you think it’s your idea. I drop hints to help you along.
5. Who, what, when, where, why & how. Sir, you’re better than this.
6. I tried calling them first. You were my last resort.
7. Because the lie you told back then has gotten foggy, this is the perfect time to circle back. Overruled.
8. Au contraire. I’m trying to distract you from the clothes I just purchased.
9. I know exactly what you meant. Seeing you scramble makes it all worthwhile. Remember Battleship?
10. It’s not that things need to be done my way. It’s that your way has the potential to kill us all. And I can’t do EVERYTHING, so I’m tasked with teaching an old dog (or just a dog) new tricks. Painful
11. Because of your ability to comprehend only monosyllabic words and slower speech, commercial breaks don’t work. What’s that? You don’t understand that last sentence? Case and point.
12. Columbus thought he was in India. Is that really who you want to model yourself after (and see # 2)?
13. Touche. This probably explains why you often wear mismatched socks.
14. You’re going to feel the fury anyway. You might as well get it over with.
15. Good point. I asked you to make out last week. Won’t make that mistake again.
16. Interesting. That must be why you were staring at that tramp in the mini skirt and heels last week.
17. It’s more of a temp check to see if your brain has developed much since the last time I asked. It hasn’t.
18. (see #8)
19. The better to kick you with my dear. And NO woman can have too many shoes.
20. Yes it is – of donuts, cookies, pies and many other things that help you look less appealing
21. I’m glad the couch feels like a mini vacation. Sleeping without your constant snoring, razor-like heels and random taps on the shoulder in the middle of the night are a nice retreat for me as well. Good to know we are on the same page.
Furthermore, your rules would be more convincing if they were properly numbered. Your use of the term “on purpose” is a deflection from the fact that you probably struggled with the auto numbering feature. On second thought, this is probably the perfect time to discuss the future of our relationship…
