Man Rules - A Woman's Rebuttal

I was browsing through Facebook the other day, and I came across a post entitled "Man Rules" (see below).

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!
—

I took in in jest; however, I couldn't let them get off that easy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Man Rules - A Woman's Rebuttal.

1. You’re not? Then why do you have such an exceptionally large head?

2. The problem is not the toilet seat per se (except when I fall in). The bigger issue is your lack of aim. I’ll believe your tales or omnipotent navigational skills when you can pee inside of the toilet Mr. Columbus.

3. No, it’s Battleship. Choose your next move wisely…

4. Unfortunately, we can only reach a resolution when you think it’s your idea. I drop hints to help you along.

5. Who, what, when, where, why & how. Sir, you’re better than this.

6. I tried calling them first. You were my last resort.

7. Because the lie you told back then has gotten foggy, this is the perfect time to circle back. Overruled.

8. Au contraire. I’m trying to distract you from the clothes I just purchased.

9. I know exactly what you meant. Seeing you scramble makes it all worthwhile. Remember Battleship?

10. It’s not that things need to be done my way. It’s that your way has the potential to kill us all. And I can’t do EVERYTHING, so I’m tasked with teaching an old dog (or just a dog) new tricks. Painful

11. Because of your ability to comprehend only monosyllabic words and slower speech, commercial breaks don’t work.  What’s that? You don’t understand that last sentence? Case and point.

12. Columbus thought he was in India. Is that really who you want to model yourself after (and see # 2)?

13. Touche. This probably explains why you often wear mismatched socks.

14. You’re going to feel the fury anyway. You might as well get it over with.

15. Good point. I asked you to make out last week. Won’t make that mistake again.

16. Interesting. That must be why you were staring at that tramp in the mini skirt and heels last week.

17. It’s more of a temp check to see if your brain has developed much since the last time I asked. It hasn’t.

18. (see #8)

19. The better to kick you with my dear. And NO woman can have too many shoes.

20. Yes it is – of donuts, cookies, pies and many other things that help you look less appealing

21. I’m glad the couch feels like a mini vacation. Sleeping without your constant snoring, razor-like heels and random taps on the shoulder in the middle of the night are a nice retreat for me as well. Good to know we are on the same page.

Furthermore, your rules would be more convincing if they were properly numbered. Your use of the term “on purpose” is a deflection from the fact that you probably struggled with the auto numbering feature. On second thought, this is probably the perfect time to discuss the future of our relationship…

Popping Pimples and Getting High

My best friend has referred to us as the "Odd Couple". We are exact opposites in so many ways. She is highly critical, exercises her right to free speech at will and is not easily appeased. I, on the other hand, am more of a rainbows and butterflies kind of a gal. Don't get me wrong - I've thrown out my share of Italian hand gestures. And she sent me a birthday card with a random unicorn on it. We both have our quirks, which is why the friendship works (and probably why we want to slap each other around from time to time). Her feedback to me usually centers around the fact that I need to be more discerning. My counterargument is that she needs to be more open and accepting. This next story makes me think that she might have a point...

*cue dream sequence*

It was a warm Spring day about three years ago. I was at a stoplight when I noticed a pesky bump on my face. Okay, so here's the thing: if I have a pimple, I pop it. If I see one on your face, it bothers me. And I want to pop it. It's that simple. Every single one of my friends calls me a weirdo. I own it.

Back to the story at hand. So I notice this bump on my face and waged war on it using my visor mirror for assistance. On my right hand side, I noticed a cute guy sitting in his car watching me...popping a pimple. Great!

He smiled then I smiled. I wrote him off since he was in the right turn only lane. It was only a matter of seconds before fate would separate us anyway. To my surprise, he pulled alongside me about halfway up the next street and signaled me to pull over. I was a little skeptical, but we were in an open area so I brushed it off. We exchanged numbers in the parking lot of a nearby gas station.

Two days later he called. A few minutes into the conversation told me everything I needed to know. We were COMPLETELY incompatible. Why, you ask?

Me: So how do you like to spend your free time?

Him: Getting high.

Me: Ummm...I'm sorry. I don't think I heard you correctly.

Him: I like to get high.

Me: Oh ok.

I quickly ended our conversation and we never spoke again. I whined to my best friend about my terrible luck with the opposite sex. Her response put it all into perspective for me: "You were popping a pimple in your car and you're surprised the guy pursuing you gets high?" Touche...

Perhaps next time I'll use one of these in the privacy of my own home :-)

Friday Night - Lily Allen

British pop singer Lily Allen spouts bold lyrics that ooze bad ass. She is most famously known for her song "F*** You". There is no official music video for "Friday Night". It came up on my Pandora station just as I was fuming over a traumatic event that occurred with someone I know, so I decided to share.

The sound is a unique blend of surf music and ska - sort of reminiscent of the "Pulp Fiction" score. Her chorus has me ready to throw on a leather jacket, ripped up jeans then go out and start trouble. But alas, it's a Sunday night. Not to mention, my idea of random hell raising these days is escalating to the drive-thru manager to complain about the horrible service I've received. Nonetheless, tell me these lyrics don't get you pumped:

"...There's a lesson that I want you to learn
That if you're gonna play with fire
Then you're gonna get burned

Don't try to test me 'cuz you'll get a reaction
Another drink and I'm ready for action
I don't know who you think you are
But making people scared won't get you very far"

Key operative words "making people scared won't get you very far". I could go on and on about this statement, but I won't (tonight anyway). I will say this though: using intimidation or harming someone else to get your way is NEVER acceptable. People like that should be put in cages with individuals much bigger and scarier so that they can see how it feels.

Alright, off my cryptic soapbox I go. This is a fun song :-D